Tolerance Go Down, Boundaries Go Up
I have not been as active on Substack as usual. I am not going to apologize. I have been moving again. We calculated that we have moved our family 3 times in 4 years. That’s more than the military moves people. It’s traumatic, especially if you have a family and want nothing more than to find some place reasonably comfortable and to settle down. It’s also exhausting.
This brings me to the point. My last two moves were both right before Christmas. It’s depleting physically and financially but also emotionally. No one with young kids wants to blow all their Christmas savings on movers, packing supplies and the inevitable new furniture one needs to fit into a new residence (even if you sell the old furniture that didn’t fit to offset cost). No one wants that.
It’s times like these that I feel tapped out and also, frankly, intolerant of petty extemporaneous bullshit.
Try as I may to make concessions, I find that when people I know seem to take everything I say the wrong way, personally or as an attack, that as much as I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, the benefit of the fucks I have to give, I just can’t. It’s not that I won’t or I’m stingy, or maybe I did say something that could have been misread or misunderstood, but that I feel so depleted and owing to my children as I bust my ass to give them another half ass Christmas, that I feel entitled to just not give a damn.
I am not looking for any kind of sympathy here. We moved into some nice digs, and I am an absolute master at finding incredible deals on wonderful second hand stuff. So, we are living very well. But it’s still work. They say that moving is one of the top most traumatic experiences, comparable to divorce as far as trauma goes. So, it’s work physically and emotionally. And work demands that I have more patience with my kids, my husband and with myself. I have to consciously remind myself of this moment by moment.
You know whose demands aren’t on my list of priorities? People who know better and should be giving me the benefit of the doubt, but whom react rather easily offended. People who want me to stretch myself on account of our mutual history to be more sensitive to them. Those who want me to give them the benefit of the doubt for acting like little bitches in response to nearly everything I say to them in my few minutes I have to devote to our friendship on social media. Yeah, a lot of people lately are acting like little fucking bitches. Can I say that? I think I just did. I’m not saying that’s who they are. Some of these people are people I respect deeply. But on recent occasions, I am running into some odd behaviors I would easily characterize as such.
Friendship is about sharing our unique perspectives and experiences. It’s not about simulating some sort of false mirror for people to gaze at their narcissistic reflection via me. I don’t always agree with my friends. That’s actually a sign of respect and trust. It doesn’t mean I am right and they are wrong. It just means that I feel safe with them as I offer a perspective that might be different. Healthy people can accept that. I’m very respectful about it, never denigrating. Keeping with my philosophy on boundaries, I feel like sometimes heavy life events happen as an opportunity to shine the light on the less than healthy people making ridiculous demands on the relationship so that I can start to find healthier replacements. Is this a bad day or a bad pattern? Shining a light.
It worked for the housing situation we are in. Things went south so we could find something further north, closer to our ideal. I think it happens with relationships.
Here’s an example of what I mean by the absolute douchery I’m dealing with lately. When I was really tired, someone hypothetically said, “pancakes are one of the most delicious breakfast items” to which I responded, “9 out of 10 days I choose them, too, but occasionally, I prefer biscuits and gravy.” The last thing I need is for them to defensively tell me about their history as a restaurant critic and breakfast connoisseur, but something very much akin to this hypothetical situation happened. I didn’t disagree. I gave them a “yes AND…” response. If you are bent over a “yes AND”, you might be having a bad day. You might. And I’m your friend so I am supposed to take that into consideration when resolving your ego being bent out of shape over mother fluffing pancakes. But also, you aren’t the only one having a hard time in life.
I’m envisioning the relationships wherein I can offer a “yes AND” to someone who is receptive to it. I imagine them saying, “I hear you,” “you have a point there” or even “not for me, but to each his own.” Being the friend I have been to most people up until now that does make those bad day concessions for friends- strangely entitles me to the relationships I envision where I don’t so much have to. Just like when I started imagining not sitting in traffic for 4 hours of my day in Southern California, the idea of a brighter day, less traffic, nicer home or better friends can ultimately be the catalyst for a shift in the better direction.
The thing about hard times is that it might make you feel down and hopeless. It might also make you dream a little about something better that hasn’t come to pass. It could be a lottery win or a friend who understands or at least respects differences. Next thing you know, you may find yourself asking what you would do with that lotto money or those new friends. Once you get on that pipeline, goals start being formulated in your head, possibilities open up. Hard times can be the catalyst for better times. Intolerance might be what you needed to see that you have a pattern of people demanding too much of you. It might be that people purposefully misunderstand you to gaslight you or just because it gives them a chance to use you to blow off some steam. It might be an opportunity to evaluate who and what would be more profitable and productive to give your time and attention to.
I’m not always Bibley, but I am reminded of the edict “in all things give thanks.'“
Next time you feel tired, worn out, frustrated with the choices presently afforded you, remember that herein may be a blessing in disguise, a reason for the extra harsh to your mellow, the gritty grain of sand in your oyster shell. Then, see if you were meant to turn it into a pearl.