Yesterday, I had this talk with my next door neighbor. It started with me asking her about what mechanic she used. That was all well and good. It shifted though as I apologized for leaving their grandson off the invite list for our gathering of local anarchists for a BBQ and potluck at our home. As soon as I said it was an anarchist event and I didn’t know if she’d want to attend, she shook her head with a troubled expression and said “I definitely would NOT have wanted to go.” I thought I would share that it was not anything alarming (as I thought perhaps I scared her), but mainly we were people talking about anarcho CAPITALISM and not Antifa or some rebels in black masks planning violent takeovers as portrayed by the news.
Immediately, she snapped back, “most people who condemn socialism don’t realize all the good things about the government are socialist.” That took me aback. I had thought up until that moment she seemed a rather conservative leftist. I just started to recognize she was more of what many label as a Democratic Socialist, and the word “Capitalism” itself had been an affront to her. Next thing you know, I was on the spot to figure out how to solve all the world’s problems without putting a gun to friends’ and strangers’ heads alike.
We’ve all been there in some way or another.
We keep our desire to change others in check, but often others haven’t been taught the same manners about discussing politics in mixed company. Frankly, I felt guilty as the one who brought up the subject. My intentions were not to convert her but rather to help her feel less uncomfortable or even frightened about us after labeling ourselves something that has been intentionally misportrayed as “dangerous” throughout history.
In the quagmire of the hot topics, people often forget that two humans are having a conversation, two humans that like each other. As I dodged or confronted question after question with no idea which of my answers might offend her next, she decided to strike exactly where she knew I stood. Knowing my family had sworn off masks and 4th of July parades, she decided to tell me first that she IS very Patriotic because of her ancestors she honors. That’s fine. That’s her opinion. She told me she opposes or disagrees with my opinion. That’s fine by me. People can share their opinions about the world with me. Then she went a step further and suggested that a lot of people this year decided to disregard wearing masks because of nonsense they heard on social media and do their own thing exercising their rights without regard for who they hurt while expressing their freedom in a way that was just sick. “Sick” she repeated to emphasize that it was “in every manner of euphemism used by young people today that was not to be taken positively.” This was her telling me the worst possible, most insulting way she felt about our family, and more specifically, me. I pretended not to not know that I knew she was talking about me in an effort to be graceful in the face of deliberate insult.
Do I get into the mask conversation and explain that there is no relevant science supporting her ugly opinion of me and my husband? No. I do not. Afterall, I can let other people think whatever non scientific, gobbledigook peddled by politicians and beaurocrats dressed in lab coats that they would like. However, after all was said and done (the hindsight being 20/20) I recognized that I’d let her cross a more personal boundary. She’d insulted me to my face, and I had allowed it. Will this become precedent?
All excuses aside, I forgot we were two neighbors having a conversation as my defenses went up because I defaulted on an old familiar system of making nice when people are being impolite so that they don’t feel embarrassed about their poor behavior. My boundaries were forgotten. I was surprised by the attack, and I wanted to walk away and go home immediately. Instead, I froze like a deer in headlights and let the default system run unabated.
How had this happened to me? I have thought over and over for every minute since the ugliness occured. It wasn’t science or reality that injured me. I knew she was wrong on both counts, morally and scientifically. It was that she knew she was being hurtful, but I let her because I wanted to be a good neighbor. I was worried about what a person thought of me for walking away or defending myself who just told me what she thought of me- that I was sick and in the worst way possible. The problem is, you can’t be a good neighbor or have a good neighbor if you don’t let your neighbors know in a considerate way where they end and you begin. They will think you are sick or worse, if you don’t calmly stand up to their indiscretions and show them you have a mastery in self-love.
Before you get defensive of me and think this neighbor is a poor, ugly human being, I must explain (not in a Stockholm Syndrome way but just pragmatically) she seems to have attached a mother hen to young chick association to our relationship. I am certain she feels protective of me in the same way she is of her own children or like a school teacher for a young student who seems to have lost her way. After all, she was a school teacher of young children for many years in the public school system teaching for decades what she was taught. We all have our default programs. It’s possible this is hers. I am sure she thought that because her family doctor agreed with the TV doctors, she must be in the right. In light of this, in her perception, I was getting “dangerously” off-track. That’s what people who watch programming are being programmed to believe about anarchists or really anyone who refuses to be mind controlled and manipulated these days by good intentions. You know, the road to hell and all that?
Obviously, she wasn’t looking for herself at ALL the conflicts of interest with the TV doctors, available scientific data, evidenced based research and statistics that supported each way of thinking with a critical eye for all the holes in her theories. She was likely letting me know I was doing something in her opinion that came from my foolish or even young, childish, immature, selfish and inexperienced sense of autonomy that was a “danger” to others. But that’s not the bottom line. The bottom line is that she is neither my mother (who I would never allow to talk to me that way) nor my teacher, and she forgot her place.
Why am I going on about her? Because that’s what we do in hindsight. We see where or why we allowed our energy to leak out and we try to figure out how to shut off the valve where the leak is happening. We assess people, not just what happened but why it happened to see if it’s a relationship worthy of salvation.
Many people may see me, someone who nuked her relationship with her nuclear family and ask why anyone would take relationship advice from me. Well, what I have learned is people are people. Whether they are your mom or dad or sister, they can still put their mental illness or lack of human evolution ahead of your feelings, your needs or even your safety- even if they believe they love you. Keeping unhealthy relationships with healthy people is stupid, but keeping healthy relationships with severly unhealthy and overtly disrespectful people is impossible. Continuing to do so, is not healthy for anyone. So, after divorcing my nuclear family, I am living a much more prudent, healthy and successful life. After giving my all with the exercises that could make any relationships work (if possible), which was exhausting, I decided that I was contending with young children of my own who I have to repeat the same instructions to a hundred times a day with great patience. It wasn’t serving me or my children to allow adults the same leniency.
I can’t disown my neighbor when all is said and done. I’m not moving, not immediately. I can limit my interaction with her, but that would be rather passive aggressive since I haven’t yet appealed to her humanity. I haven’t had a sovereign discussion with her about the boundaries of my kingdom and hers. As much as I admire her friendship up to now, her gardening, her self-care, her love for her family, her love of her church and her housekeeping, I am not coming to her for political advice, for her experience I’m sure selflessly devoted to the wellbeing of students in a public indoctrination center nor for her suggestions of how society should work. There are good teachers and good intentioned people in unsavory places, such as the public school system. I thank God there are. She may have likely been one of them. I mean even Gatto, the godfather of unschooling worked around the system rather notoriably for decades. My neighbor seems to have a misunderstanding of why I have come to her with questions. I think it is endearing that she thinks of herself as a protective mother bird around me and my family. I can’t punish her for that. I am also not in favor of punishment in general. However, I have assessed the misunderstanding, and if I don’t address it with integrity and clear it up, there will be future drainage. The valve is right there. My hand is firmly on the handle, and I can cut this off.
So the question remains: how can I be a queen of my own kingdom with her and see her as a queen of her own kingdom? More to the point, how can I put out the intention to negotiate the boundaries of our kingdoms where they seem to intersect? I think the first thing to do is to find a neutral meeting place and invite her to join me there to discuss our feelings. As scary that sounds, as vulnerable as that sounds, I find that people are much more human and even diplomatic when discussing their true domain and what they know they own. We have already established that the idea of property is a very different concept to her than my understanding. Standing in one’s sovereignty in a neutral position is the least vulnerable thing one can do as an adult. It is of the highest integrity. When you give people the respect of acknowleding their ownership of themselves, while stating what you own, most people see the sense in it and sense the seen (and heard) in it. It appeals to equality far more than any government program ever could. It certainly induces empathy more than any government program ever could.
I can’t say how that will go. I really can’t. The thing is, we are monarchs of our own domain, but some monarchs are authortarian douchebags that feel pillaging is their prerogative. I can’t control her in that. I am not doing this to control her. I am doing this to assess her behavior, our friendship and adjust my position to her accordingly. I can also try to do better with myself in that regard, watching more what my mouth does that I may be less conscious of. How is what I am saying being perceived? I can only find out what kind of monarch she is from a place of integrity.
The outcome of a meeting though is to find out if I need to do more in the way of opening the valve or keeping our doors locked. The thing about boundaries is they are the home security system for your body, mind and spirit. When I have an interaction with someone and leave feeling utterly drained or worse upset and hurt, I realize I may have not set the alarm. This is why I constantly distinguish between borders and boundaries. Borders or walls, by most definitions, seem to be managed arbitrarily. You are locking yourself in and keeping everyone out, indescriminately. I don’t know about your wants or needs, but I don’t want a home security system that keeps me from coming and going as I please or from inviting my friends and neighbors in at my discretion. The key to a good home security system is knowledge of how much freedom I have for myself as well as whom I invite in, their intentions and the integrity of the system if I happen to show someone the door.
You can read more about the dangers of vulnerability in my past blogs. The point is, integrity (not vulnerability) is the key to good boundaries, just like any system of support. To have integrity in personal boundaries, one must consider one’s highest values or core values and then use those as a guide to one’s personal behavior and selection with regards to interactions with others. Doing this one key thing puts one’s hand actively on the valve of energy of one’s body, mind and spirit. Being able to ask in a moment by moment basis whether one’s personal values are being valued in this interaction is actually an invaluable resource.
Next, discovering one’s true vulnerabilities (not perceived) and being able to shore them up is the next logical step for any secure support system. This has more to do with looking into the behaviors and apparent intentions based on those behaviors with the people who have the most conflicts with one’s core values: the trespassers. Many times, we can handle these vulnerabilities by finding a neutral zone and negotiating our shared boundaries with them in a reasonable way. Sometimes, we assess they are not willing to stop stealing our precious, valued resources out of a false sense of entitlement and undermining of yours or my sovereignty. In these cases, one must do more to keep these people out or physically or emotionally distant.
Are you starting to see how personal this process is? It seems like a lot of responsibility and maintenance.
Why can’t we just outsource to an arbitrary system?
The answer is that personal sovereignty outsourced quickly becomes an open channel to slavery and personal loss. Personal sovereignty, on the other hand managed internally does start out weird and awkward. It’s like the first time you set your home security cameras, it takes a while to dial them in just right, to limit blind spots and to find where you are (or need to be) more vigilant. Eventually, you get it stable and routine. Doing your checks and evaluations become less frequent and more automatic, almost instinctual and involuntary. As one practices, the hard work of self-care becomes the standard. The standard soon becomes effortless.
If you think it would be of value to you to learn how to build better boundaries, I have a course that will break each part down into simple steps, just like walking you through setting up a home security system and shows you how to customize your system for your personal needs.
You no longer have to feel drained, exhausted, upset or hurt as a part of your daily, weekly or monthly routine. I can assure you that if you suffer this hourly or daily at work or home, it is having an impact on your quality of life including your body, mind and spirit for your energy to remain in a constant state of true (not perceived) vulnerability and assault. Leaking health, wealth, emotional stability and intellectual prowess are undermining your valued, precious resources. Recapturing, securing and harnessing your resources can lead you to unbridled success in all endeavors. If you want that kind of freedom, working in this program can help you get there more quickly than stumbling through it on your own.
A last note is to notice if you are being coached on boundaries and integrity by people who champion vulnerability as a core value. First, I quote Indigo Montoya in The Princess Bride, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Second, once you realize what it means, you may want to revaluate the agenda that stands behind promoting someone who champions vulnerability to stardom or what mechanisms within you and others was so attracted to the championing of vulnerability. Is it possibly the same inclination that would motivate you to outsource personal sovereignty? I believe for many there may be some overlap here.
In my experience, talking about feelings and recognizing core values, even being autonomous with one’s boundaries does FEEL vulnerable at first. This is a perception. You may indeed have vulnerabilities that need to be located. The best thing about vulnerabilities, real ones, is looking at them so we can shore them up with integrity. If we can look at it, we can do something about it. Where is the leak? Where can you apply the valve? In my process, this is as vulnerable as you need to be to ensure a life of well-maintained integrity which can rocket you to success and fulfillment of your highest potential.
At this time, I am looking for a handful of highly motivated peace seekers to go through my Building Better Boundaries Course as I launch it. This is a unique opportunity for qualified participants to get in and test out my system at a one time introductory rate to help me make the course more personalized and integral for future participants.
If this is of interest to you, please send a note to TheSovereignMom@gmail.com with the headline “Better Boundaries” to receive a quick assessment of your goals with regards to boundaries and an application for being involved in the upcoming launch program along with updates on your qualification. Your email will be used only for correspondences between you and I to keep you up to date on the course and will never be used by third parties.
I look forward to taking this conversation to the next integral level and would be honored to witness you fulfilling your greatest potential by taking these steps with me.