The True Anarchist's Cookbook

A project which is long overdue.

I was recently asked to share the recipe for my apple, turkey chili.

It’s something I make a few times a year, and it is a massive hit at parties.

I call it preventative chili because it is not for the weak or the faint of heart. It is for the new crunchy, the omnivores, the truly health and environmentally conscious and those, like me, with children who need to eat real food. This was a recipe I picked up when we started the GAPS diet as part of my son’s recovery from the symptoms used to diagnose autism. Over the years, I continued to add to, and to personalize this recipe. It is very nourishing. I hope it helps prevent cooties as well as restore your health, happiness and the natural order of the universe!

I am not a measurer of ingredients, but hopefully, my guidelines will help you figure out just the right amount of each ingredient to suit your own needs.

I start with a teaspoon or so of organic coconut oil or ghee in a pot, just enough to keep the turkey from sticking while it browns. No parent of young children has time to be scraping sticky turkey off the pot. Technically, if you have cat you’d rather be petting than scrubbing dishes, you can relate.

I add 3 or 4 pounds of turkey. Make it enough to scare away the vegans, and collagen challenged people who come to your party to say, “meat is murder.” Nobody needs that kind of negativity at their self-determination celebration.

My next ingredient is garlic. I love fresh garlic. I use at least a whole bulb or so. Garlic is known through folklore for fending off vampires. I just want to rid myself of the emotional ones. A stuffy sister-in-law, ancient boyfriends raised from obscurity by mercury retrograde and even local, public health officials will hide in the shadows as your kitchen emanates the essence of copious quantities of garlicy goodness. Mince that up and add it to the browning turkey.

Follow the garlic with at least two onions. I refrigerate my onions prior to chopping or wear swim goggles to chop. The only tears shed are of those who believe I’m ableist for cooking real food for my son with autism and “depriving him” of McDonalds.

Next, I chop up about 4 carrots of any color. I like an array of multiple colors and varieties of carrots grown in my garden. These strengthen they eyes so you can see through the bullshit of your government’s latest propaganda.

The big show stoppers I add next are chopped green apples. I use granny smiths, and usually put about 3 of them in my pot. I keep the skins on them for all the vitamins I can get. Apples are said to keep doctors away, and after two years of doctors peddling Covid bullshit, I can’t think of any less welcome guest at my preventative chili party. Feel free to add one more apple in honor of the vaccines you refused, the mask mandates you ignored and the bogus tests you didn’t take during the two years to flatten the economy.

My next key ingredient is sage. I use the freshest sage I can get and lots of it. Sage is known to keep evil spirits away, like the spirits of dead presidents, politicians, public health authorities and presidents of Pfizer, dictators, matriarchs and masters of Moderna, Rothschilds, Rockefellers and royals. May they all burn in another dimension far away from my sovereign soirée.

Now, for a fun ingredient! I add cinnamon and a little nutmeg. I can add at least a teaspoon of cinnamon while I add nutmeg to taste. Cinnamon aids metabolism. Nutmeg can help with digestion. Cinnamon also has amazing antimicrobial properties. It boosts the immune system, particularly against died in the wool, statist Republicans. You tell them you put cinnamon and nutmeg in your chili, and they will flee like you said “war kills people.” They don’t like principles that pulverize their patriotism, and what’s more, they don’t like cinnamon served in anything healthier than an apple pie with GMO, bleached white flour and margarine crust with American, processed-cheese-type-substance on top. If you don’t want some “back the blue” wearing Nazi telling you to “go live in Somalia,” a little cinnamon in chili is just what you need to keep things light.

Then, you add the star of the show, the organic chili powder. Make sure you add at least a couple teaspoons. It has to be so spicy that the PC, cancel-culture freaks balk and bray. It has to be so strong that the regressive left will call the evening an insurrection. It has to be so hot, the communists in congress slither to Siberia for shelter.

I don’t know about you, but it just doesn’t taste like chili to me without cumin powder. I love the stuff! Again, if it scares away hardcore, right wing, war hawks from the ethnic aromas of the middle east, I’ll let the neocons think I hate America for our freedoms. I’m probably already on all their no-flight lists anyway for having the audacity of suggesting people shouldn’t hurt each other or take other people’s stuff.

Next, I add two to three large (1 pound) cans of organic diced tomatoes OR if they are in season, 3 lbs of garden fresh tomatoes. The tomatoes should be zesty and bold enough to get Justin Trudeau to accuse them of being racists and misogynists.

I slice up some organic, garden fresh zucchini and summer squash. I usually add a couple of each. Adding the zucchini and squash are so healthy and natural, LOL-bertarians will insist it’s transphobic.

Last, I add Redmond Real Salt to taste. In a big pot, a teaspoon or two may be sufficient. You can always add more. What’s a little more salt in the wounds of people who learned all their masking up over the past two years was completely in vain?

I let the whole pot simmer for an hour or so to bring all the flavors out.

When it is time to serve, I add a dollop of organic plain yogurt or goat kefir (your choice) and a little shredded mozzarella for garnish. These should be so white, Coca-Cola holds a diversity training to correct it.

This dinner is brought to you-not by a Karen, but the Karen saying, “Eat, laugh, love” and remember when you eat out, to tip your server in cash and list it as a gift because taxation is theft.

Follow me for more feisty fixings!