A major hidden belief that keeps us from saying “yes” to our boundaries is the fear of missing out. If I say “no” to this or “I won’t tolerate this” then what if this person changes or I am not here when the situation improves? This situation might not be ideal now, but what if it gets better later? Furthermore, I still have these dreams of what this person could have been to me, and I don’t want to let those go.
Today, we’re tackling this.
How many times have you thought you should give someone one more chance?
The best film character depiction of FOMO in relationships that I can think of is Elizabeth Shue’s character in “The Marrying Man.” The film starts out with Shue’s character Adele Horner, the beautiful, heiress daughter of a Hollywood mogul engaged to handsome Charlie Pearl, playboy and toothpaste king. Adele’s father is telling Charlie at their engagement party that he’ll make Charlie wish he was dead if he hurts his one and only daughter, Adele. She is a diamond. They both acknowledge it.
Charlie begrudgingly heads off to Vegas for a bachelor party not wanting to be away from Adele for even a minute. Charlie then meets a Las Vegas lounge singer who mesmerizes him. He finds her irresistible, and he sleeps with her. The singer’s boyfriend, a mob boss catches the pair in the act, and for revenge, he forces them to elope. It’s literally a shotgun wedding. The mob guy puts their wedding photo on the front page of every major newspaper across the country, thereby exposing Charlie and destroying his credibility with Adele and her father. Adele is humiliated. Charlie and the lounge singer divorce immediately as it wasn’t their decision. Charlie goes back to Adele, pleading to give him another chance, explaining the fling meant nothing to him. Adele initially refuses to talk to him.
Eventually, though, Adele forgives Charlie and their wedding is back on and expected to take place in three weeks. It’s as soon as his annulment is finalized. It seems reasonable Adele would give Charlie a second chance.
But again, just before marrying Adele, Charlie unwittingly happens to run across the lounge singer, and once again, he can’t resist hooking up with her. This time they decide their synchronicity and chemistry can’t be a mistake so Charlie marries the lounge singer on the spot once again, but this time, it’s by choice.
Adele’s dad is furious. He sends Charlie a honeymoon gift of two thugs showing up to beat the living crap out of Charlie. Adele whines to her father, “Daddy, don’t kill him. Maybe he’ll change his mind again.” And the classic line that finishes Adele’s role in this film is at this very moment when her father turns to his only daughter, who he is about to murder a guy for and says, “What the hell did he see in you in the first place?” Adele is a diamond no more.
Your life is your movie. Do not degrade yourself to the point that you get cut from the script in the second act, particularly with the audience getting a big laugh at the degree of your degradation. You are a diamond. Hang on to your value. And by value, I mean your core values need to guide your decision making.
So pull out that paper with your values written on it. Look it over. Tell me, which of those values would ever lead you to beg for Charlie or anyone for that matter a third time who was now happily married to get together with you again? I have values like “Adventure” on my list. Where’s the adventure in hooking up with the same been there, done that, moved on with someone you probably don’t even respect for the same reasons you don’t respect yourself for wanting him?
Second chances are not only reasonable. Second chances are what we would hope for from others. We all mess up. Now, the degree of the mistake may be unforgivable. That’s for you to decide after going over your values. Third chances, though, after major fuck ups and compromises to the relationship are not advisable. Yes, there are these extremely, exceptional circumstances where somehow it works out for someone. But, what we do when we point out those exceptions is that we assume they are the rule. What if? Where is that what if taking you? Is it taking you closer to what you truly desire or is it degrading your value to even pursue it? Look at you list of values. How much rationalization is required to make your values match your behavior? What if you just stuck to your values and allowed them to inform your actions and decisions? What would you be doing right now? How do you get from Point A. where you are to Point B. where you want to see this picture going? Would it be a better use of time to focus on that or on trying to redefine the words on your list to match your depravity? Get out your journal and write out the answers to these questions and read your answers to yourself out loud.
Some of the ways you handle FOMO is from living in an old picture of what you thought you wanted when you were idealizing. Disney movies tend to perpetuate these hollow, fantasy driven desires. You don’t want your life to be a cartoon. If you think you do, say these words out loud to yourself and listen to yourself saying them. “I want my life to be a cartoon.” Did you hear yourself? Did it work?
You aren’t missing out on anything if a two dimensional goal doesn’t pan out for you.
Your vision for your life, backed by your core values has to be at the very least three dimensional. I highly recommend a spiritual dimension as well. Your life should line up with the synchronicity that lead cheating Charlie back to the lounge singer to fulfill his destiny. What can lead you to your destiny? My husband randomly appeared in my back yard on the 4th of July after I’d spent two years romanticizing over a song by James Taylor about the 4th of July. Synchronicity can and does happen to good people. It should be happening to you. I suspect a part of you is nodding in agreement. There’s the “yes” to your boundaries. I want THAT inside my boundaries.
The last thing I want to say is about the fantasy you fell in love with of who that person could be to you or to anyone else. If it’s not who they are to you, if you look at your core values and you are allowing this person to keep showing up for you as far less than acting on your values would contend, you may need to apply some unconditional love to your life and theirs. I’m saying, if unconditional love is a value to you, even if it’s not a core, you aren’t practicing it by staying in this situation where you keep getting injured. I believe in unconditional love. Love sees murderers and drug addicts for who they are. It sees cheaters for who they are. My friend, Dan Millstein worked in prisons teaching peace and spiritual healing modalities, yoga and powerful mudras to hard time criminals. He said to me when I was having a hard time getting over an ex-boyfriend, “Karen, some people are safer to love behind bars.” True love requires in many cases a safe proximity from which to exist. If you want unconditional love for yourself and for a hardened criminal type, you might have to love that person while they are behind bars. You may have to love a narcissist from a space where you have little to no contact with them. That love is more pure and honest and true than you trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole and busting your thumb in the process.
So my advice today if you are dealing with any FOMO isn’t to say “no” to your dreams but rather to dream bigger. To align your dreams with your core values and try to imagine an extra dimension to your dreams. Think of a way to love a person that allows you to love yourself in the process. Be sure you are truly seeing them for who they are and love the truth.
An amazing process for writing your picture and your vision for your picture comes from the book, “I’m Rich Beyond My Wildest Dreams, I Am, I Am, I Am!” The process is to write down what you want in single sentences from the present tense. Say it like it is already happening to you. “I am living in my dream house.” “I have so much love and respect from my partner.” “I have friends who are always in my corner and see the great things I do and praise me for it.” “All my relationships are peaceful and harmonious and lead to my personal growth.” “My friends challenge and inspire me in wonderful ways.” I highly recommend you put this book on your reading list. I can’t do the teaching of it justice in a single module.
However, I want to add this. Focusing on your boundaries is really about focusing on what you want inside them. I can’t say this enough. When you look at people who seem to have amazing boundaries and you ask them about it, most can’t language what boundaries are or why they are so successful about prioritizing their time and energy. It’s because we think of boundaries from the standpoint of what’s kept out. These people are all focused on what they have and want more of inside. That focus is how they maintain their boundaries.
You can cut out this or that, but you’ll never master boundaries until you figure out what you are saying “yes” to (cartoons, etc) versus what you want to say “yes” to which is a multidimensional world of magic, success and synchronicity. It’s time to master it.
Who do you love? How do you love them? Is loving them that way honoring your core values and honoring who they truly are? What kind of love, relationships, success, synchronicity and support do you want in your life regardless of that person?
Your boundaries are your life. You get to decide. Start writing!