SYTB 7: Character Motivations

Your Core Values

I have covered a lot of ground so far in the practical. We have gone into some ways to determine motivations of ourselves and others that pertain to what we want to do in our lives, but we really need to back up now and start to discern the basis upon which we are making these decisions.

What are the core values of your life. This isn’t just what you want out of life in the long run, but moreover, what kind of character you wish to exude. Where do you want to come from to get to where you are going? While it’s important to focus on the end, the destination, life is a journey and not paying attention to the means can get you in a lot of trouble if not entirely off track. Today, I am talking about character on a deeper level. I’m not talking about external descriptions of personality or job titles, but rather those key, core principles that motivate you (and others) and upon which you shape your life.

Most People don’t know their core values.

Well, wait. Do you know what your core values are? If you were stopped today and someone said what are the top 3-5 values or principles upon which you make all your decisions in life, could you list them off without thinking?

Most people couldn’t rattle them off. You aren’t weird or wrong in any way if you don’t know what they are. However, if you don’t have some kind of chart you can refer to for perspective, to give you some kind of ideal or scale upon which you weigh other information, do you think you are making decisions from clarity, from integrity or from confusion? Are you making decisions from your values or from the values of others?

Why do we need core values?

Let me give you an example, an analogy. If you wanted to tune an instrument and you didn’t have perfect pitch or some special ability where you could pull pure notes from thin air you would need some way to know if you were in tune. Many musicians have an auto-pitch device on their instrument these days. Most new guitars have these now built in or you can have one added to a vintage guitar. My husband is probably going to kill me for suggesting one defile a vintage guitar with an auto-tuner. Anyway, if you tune the note to the right pitch a little light turns green, but if you are off pitch, the little light turns red. For centuries, people used a tuning fork to listen for the right note. Tuning uses a certain preset standard of pure notes to hold against what you are playing so you know if you are getting closer to the note you desire.

So, this is the point of knowing your core values. It gives you a preset standard upon which to triangulate and measure if your decisions are reflecting the values you are trying to put forth in your life. Your core values, especially if you have a few of them, can really help you decide if any choice is right for you with absolute clarity.

Core values aren’t the same for everyone.

Thank goodness. If they were, life would be boring and colorless. I guess for some it might be easier if everything were just two choices, either/or, black or white, this or that. That’s not how life works. It’s funny, though. The way the world is trying to collectivize everyone these days and convince us that this one set of values is better than that one. They’re trying to force us all into the same predetermined mold. It kind of sucks. One person might try to stop wars. Another may feed the homeless. One might fight classism, racism or apartheid. All of these are great, and it takes all kinds of people with individual and unique priorities to get everything done. That’s sort of a tangent to say we need people with a wide variety of values and priorities. We need them to not only have this variety, but we need complex and varied ways of getting these things accomplished. We need to hit each big, social problem from as many angles as possible. What we especially need, though, is for people to know more of what their core values are so they can operate from them clearly and use them to make the world, even if it’s just your own sphere of influence a better place.

Core values can help you in your relationships.

There are many ways in which knowing your core values can improve your relationships. They can help us look at others and see if the people around us are making value based decisions or going about life willy-nilly. They can help us sort out who we want to spend a lot of our time with based on the ability or desire of others to live a value based life. They also may give us some better tools to share with the people around us who seem to be floundering or just asking every day questions.

You can share your values with your friends and help them learn to use this invaluable tool in their lives as well. This will improve the kind of advice you can offer your friends. They call and say, “how would you deal with this situation?” You can say, “Well, I would weigh what to do respective to my core values. I suppose you would need to weigh it against your core values.” Then, you could explain to them what your values are and how you came up with them. Nothing I teach should feel like classified information. This is 95% of what friendship is. We all need these tools to improve our lives. We often ask each other to be our tuning forks for how to make better decisions. Now, you’ll have an answer that gives them their own tuning fork for their own life and makes them less dependent on you and your own personal value set to make their decisions for them. Rather than trying to reflect your own core values onto them, you can each learn more about each other’s various core values with respect for where each of you are coming from uniquely and individually. Rather than recommending what to do, you could hold each other accountable for living from your own respective values. You could help each other remember who you are. Imagine if all friendships operated from this space. Imagine if we taught our kids about using their core values from a young age. What a beautiful world this could be!

~Core Values Exercise~

So here is my simple exercise for assessing your core values. It is also a relaxing, guided meditation you can give yourself as a gift for a few minutes today to take a break from the blah blah of the outside world and to look within. It can both charge you and inspire you. It’s also something you can do more than once. Obviously, your core values aren’t going to change that much from day to day. However, over time, our priorities and values shift and acknowledging those shifts as they come can help us re-evaluate the primary verities from which we live our lives if we ever feel stuck in a rut. I try to re-evaluate my core values at least once annually. It’s easy to do.

Sit back for a minute and relax.

Take a few deep breaths inhaling through your nose and exhaling out your mouth. Wiggle your neck and shoulders as you continue to breathe and exhale. Shrug a little and allow your shoulders to drop. Are you seated comfortably? Do you feel the weight of your body in your chair as you lean back a bit? You are fully supported.

Now, for a minute, picture a golden door out ahead of you. This is a door to infinite possibilities. Reach out for the golden handle on the golden door and turn it. It opens to the bright light of the sun. Allow your eyes to adjust to the sunlight on the meadow before you. As you look around you see soft green grass before you and a small, grassy hill just ahead of you. You can walk up the grass to the top of this small hill. It’s not strenuous to walk up to the top where you can see the meadow and the pasture below. You see the golden door you entered through. You see a babbling brook just on the other side of the hill below. There are beautiful white and yellow butterflies flitting through the grass and a couple dragon flies with bright blue wings near the brook. One lands on a tall reed along side the brook not really too far from the bottom of the hill. You could almost take five bounding leaps down the hill to meet it, but not today. Today, you are still. It’s very quiet so all you hear is the flittering of the wings of the butterflies and dragonflies, a bird off in the distance chirps a mating call and you hear the babbling water flowing and gurgling as it passes over the pebbles below.

As you look around, you decide to sit on a bench just behind you on the top of the hill. It’s in the shade under a willow tree. It’s warm but out of the direct sun and the grass is cool under your feet. You don’t have to squint as you look at all the beauty below. As you relax here on this bench, you call to mind 3 people that most inspire you. They could be living or dead. They could be fictional or real. They could be a variety of people you know or wish you knew. Think of those 3 people that right now embody the lifestyle, the character and the fulfillment of whatever wishes you can imagine for yourself in your wildest dreams. As you become very clear about whom these three people are, one of them steps out of the golden door and heads up to the top of the hill to meet you. When this person gets to the top of the hill, he or she embraces you with love and excitement for the future journey you will embark on once you receive a very special gift this person has for you.

Hold out your hand and receive a scroll from this person. As you unravel it, you see it contains the numbers 1, 2 and 3. After each number is one word. This word is a core value upon which this special person has used as a touchstone in his or her life. Number 1 is the first most important core value to your first mentor. You may say it silently to yourself. Number 2 is the second core value that leads and guides your mentor. You smile as you can see how this person’s life has been infused with this value and it shines in everything your mentor does and says. Now, you read number 3 and again, it’s not such a surprise. You can see how these 3 values really shape your mentor in bringing his or her life into expression. Now, look at your mentor. Let your eyes meet with love, gratitude and acknowledgement. Thank your mentor before he or she departs toward the creek, following the mentor’s every footsteps all the way with your eyes until you can no longer make out a figure of a person among the reeds.

Then, another mentor steps through the golden door and approaches you, bounding up the hill to meet you. This mentor wastes no time handing you the second scroll. You just as quickly and excitedly unravel it to match this inspirational person’s energy. You again see 3 numbers and 3 values. Read aloud each of these words as they jump off the page. That first core value that obviously and evidently infuses this inspirational character in all of this person’s actions and decisions. Then, the second core value. Say it out loud, nodding with consideration. And last, the third value. Smile to your inspirational person as you acknowledge the 3rd value out loud with appreciation. You immediately embrace. And your inspirational second mentor leaps up and heads down behind the bench and the tree toward a trail that goes into a thicket. You crane around to wave goodbye, but as you do, he or she has already vanished into the shrubs below the hill.

Just then, in the quiet, you hear the golden door kind of creak as your third most influential person peaks around from behind it. He or she steps out, blinking for a moment in the sun and waves up to you on the hill, letting you know that this person is on the way with your third and final scroll. You start to get up but your mentor motions to you to stay seated as he or she searches through pockets to find the very last gift for you today. You can hardly wait, but finally, you have it. You unroll it and see this last person’s 3 core values. Satisfaction comes to your mind and heart as you see each of these values leap off the page. Naturally! You think to yourself as each of this influential person’s core values enters your mind’s eye. You sit for a moment with each of this person’s most important values. You truly cherish each one. One last hug takes place as this time you get up and head back toward the door, leaving your mentor on the shady bench under the tree taking in all of the surrounding beauty of the day.

Once you enter the door, you feel cool and refreshed. You have 9 words on your 3 scrolls. Take a moment now and bring your awareness back to where you are reading this exercise. Take a deep breath and when you feel ready, write down the names of your mentors and each of their core values. Some may be the same. Notice which ones may be similar. Of these 9 words, circle 3-5 that really stand out to you right now. Maybe one value feels a little out of your current wheel house but offers you a lot of possibilities for growth. Don’t overthink it. Just allow the words to inform you what you need to focus on most this year.

Congratulations! You now have your core values.

Core values are imperative to healthy boundaries.

Remember boundaries are a framework upon which we focus our desires, our wants and our dreams. I keep saying boundaries are like the frame of a camera, video, still shot or even a picture frame. Without knowing and implementing our core values in that framework, there really is no foundation for making key decisions to filter out what we do not want to have in the picture while we zero in on what we do. You can’t make a first step, let alone the journey of a thousand miles without any idea where you want to end up. Although these values may shift and change as you grow, you have to have some idea in mind first. You can always pivot later, but to get anywhere, you must move in a direction. Let these core values inform you in which way to go.

The first thing most people think of when they consider building better boundaries are improving their relationships. So they say, “Karen, I want a nice relationship. I want to be respected. I want relationships to be easier. I want more harmony with the people I interact.” Most everyone wants those things deep down. I get that. Core values will shape what people that you specifically will best get along with. They will tell you what qualities people will respect and appreciate you for. They will determine who will harmonize with you and how easily, just as much as they will let you know who may set a discordant tone for you in your life.

Use this core values exercise today and reflect upon those qualities to make a couple decisions today. See how these values may even influence simple questions such as “What should I have for dinner tonight?”

Share your answers and even your values if you feel so bold in the comment section below.