SYTB 17: P2/Clear The Set!
Part 2 Owning the real estate between your ears.
To “Dwell” in the verb tense of the word according to Dictionary.com:
to live or stay as a permanent resident; reside.
to live or continue in a given condition or state: to dwell in happiness.
to linger over, emphasize, or ponder in thought, speech, or writing (often followed by on or upon): to dwell on a particular point in an argument.
(of a moving tool or machine part) to be motionless for a certain interval during operation.
You see, there are excellent uses of dwelling. However, today we are talking about dwelling in that “valley of the shadow of death.” These are the times someone or something said got stuck in your craw, and you couldn’t get it out. You could have accepted the pain and moved forward. As the Buddhists have said, “pain is inevitable but suffering is optional,” and, you opted to suffer. To be frank, it often doesn’t feel like an option.
I am a recovering dweller from the valley of the shadow of death camp. I lived there for a long time, most of my youth over a variety of indignities of which I couldn’t figure out how to release. It was like someone pinned a memo to a wall before me that said, “forgiveness” but in order to read it, I had to get closer to the wall. In front of the wall, where I need to be to read the instructions was a wheel and my poor, stupid, little, hamster brain hopped on the wheel and ran forward. In the process of attempting to run toward it, I spun the wheel in circles, expending all my strength and energy but getting absolutely nowhere. The trap for me was that I thought there was something to figure out about what happened. I tried to make sense of the senseless and rationalize the wrong. I was obsessed with what I should have said or done in that moment, how that person could have said what they said, why that person did what they did, what I did to deserve it, what am I supposed to learn from all this, how I could have avoided this circumstance, what I could have done differently, the event playing in my mind over and over on repeat. When I would try to talk to other people about anything at all, my brain was still on that wheel, dwelling entirely in this nightmare. All my conversations would end up swirling into this never ending downward spiral about whatever happened that got me in this drowning sinkhole.
People often say, “just get over it, just get over it.” I think those people are fucking assholes. They never tell you how to get over it.
One day, though, some 20 years ago, I felt the pure, raw agony of my suffering. I was mad at some Karen. That was literally her name. I just couldn’t wrap my head around what she had said and done to me. At the time, I was fortunately living with my voice teacher, minister and mentor, Kathleen Scott. I asked her as she was floating around the garden on a breeze watering cosmos and roses and other beautiful spring flowers, “I just feel miserable, and I can’t stop. I don’t know what to do! Can you help me?”
We had both just lost this dear friend, Jan. Jan had a life long battle with frustration, dwelling in the shadows of death. Life was just not adding up for her no matter how long she counted. Jan, too, was a dweller like me. She seemed to internalize her suffering with unforgiveness, lovely as she was. It seemed Jan’s body had literally consumed itself in misery. She got stomach cancer, and little by little, she deteriorated from it. I didn’t want to end up like Jan one day, but I couldn’t see any way to stop counting all the hurts and pains in my life.
Kathleen gave me this beautiful gift. She asked what I would rather be thinking about.
I said, “I would rather be thinking of how much I love my boyfriend. I would rather be thinking of singing on stage. I would rather be thinking of financial goals I want to accomplish. I’d rather be thinking of last night’s dinner, come to think of it.”
She said, “if you get really focused, during times like this and you electively choose to think of what you would rather, you will build up a muscle of your mind to conquer this dwelling mechanism. It might take an hour to change your mind the first time. The next time, it will be a little less. Then, each time, it will be shorter and shorter. But compare the agony of dwelling on something awful for days, weeks or months to an hour or so. It might seem like a long time at first to sit and meditate on what you want. By comparison, you’ll be saving time and your mind. The thing is, if you feel your mind going off in the direction of your pain, you have to get it back on track, on the things you want to think of. Each time you try, you redirect your mind back to the thoughts you would rather think, you strengthen this muscle. Eventually, you will be the master of your mind.”
My boyfriend at the time came over a few minutes later. He had worked late the night before, and we spooned together for a midday nap. Even though we had already talked over the troubling Karen conundrum many times, I was very tempted to rehash it with him again. I knew I was too upset to sleep. I knew I would be lying there awake and thinking. I decided to take Reverend Kathleen’s advice and think of what I loved and wanted and desired rather than my anger and frustration and hate. As I continued to lay there on my futon with my peacefully sleeping, oblivious boyfriend, I focused on feeling snuggly and happy. Every time my mind wandered, I brought it back to the place I wanted to dwell. It wasn’t easy that first time. It was a struggle between an age old, synaptic groove and the machete beating a new, untraversed path. I was focused and determined. I would follow the good feeling of the happy thought, and then that Karen would pop back up in my mind stealing my attention. I would go back to feeling good, making a conscious choice to think only of what I selected. There was Karen again, stealing my joy. Back and forth we went until I finally won and could only think my own, chosen, joyful thoughts.
I was shocked to discover that it didn’t take an hour the first time! In fact, a lifetime chronic dweller like me was able to move out of the valley of the shadow of death camp and into my summer cottage dwelling in around 30 minutes. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. Moreover, I felt hopeful. What once could bother me for weeks, literally weeks, I had made disappear from my mind completely in only 30 minutes. I never would have believed that was possible. I knew then and there, that getting over it was a process. Those people who said to get over it like the words themselves were magic truly were assholes. But let’s not dwell on them.
Again, it all comes down to focusing on what you want in your frame. You could be actively framing your dream home through focused meditation and envisioning what you desire. You could be writing down the wish list you have formulated with the method from “I’m Rich Beyond My Wildest Dreams, I Am, I Am, I Am.” You could be stream of consciousness journaling on beautiful things. You can talk to your “committee of elders” on your focus board and ask them what they would be thinking today if given all the possibilities in the world. The point is that in order to achieve forgiveness, the first thing you have to do is get off the wheel. Stop looking for forgiveness to come to you, to add up or to make sense or for you to get to it through a long, internal journey that’s about the person or thing you need to forgive. Forgiveness is about you and your ability to channel love moving forward. It comes from first reclaiming the power of your own mind.
Once you have established you own the real estate between your ears, you claim dominion over your life. That’s the biggest component to forgiveness. Often, we feel we need to forgive because it seems something was stolen from us, our free will, our sovereignty, our peace of mind. We desperately seek to relive the moment to get it back. Forgiveness can’t happen in the past. Whatever was stolen, we need to make sure that after the initial theft or the crime of that moment occurred, we aren’t giving the rest of our attention away through repetitive thoughts and uncentered, hijacked reactions. Just because we were a victim once, doesn’t mean we should be a victim of the perpetual suffering in our mind repeating that moment over and over again.
It is important to acknowledge the initial hurt. Let it out. Feel the feelings. Embrace the pain to let it go. However, keep a point of attention on whether this process is the process of healing or if it has become a process of some weird, internal, sado-masochistic masturbatory ritual. It’s not as funny or as pleasing as it sounds. There’s a tendency among self-aware, recovering trauma victims to romanticize these processes and make them very, very important. Sure, it works to heal. It brings relief of grief and pain. It’s like putting gas in the tank of your car or clearing your windshield. It needs to be done. But eventually, you need to get back in the driver’s seat, put your foot on the gas and get going. I am of the philosophy that these processes are only good as a means to an end. There is a very simple way to know one way or another if the process has become masturbatory. Always ask, “what would I rather?” Would you rather process grief that you’ve processed before or get on with your life? Is the avoidance of processing really holding you back or has processing itself become a mechanism of procrastination?
It’s easy to know. Are you afraid of moving on from your grief or victimization?
As my Visions For Prisons pal, Dan Millstein said, “forgiveness is hiding behind the fear.” What fear is holding you back from forgiveness today, friend?
Get out those journals. Write out these questions and leave room to fill in the answers.
Who am I today if I let this go and do what I love?
Is my identity tied to this victimization or complaint in some way?
Who would I be if I never let this go?
A year from now, who could I be if I started focusing on my ambitions and let this go?
A lot of what we dwell on seems conscious, but the underlying reasons for why we dwell are unconscious. There is a big popular following for shadow work, for finding and embracing our many shadows. It’s very Jungian. Often times, bringing a little light to the subject will clear all those shadows away instantly. It’s quicker. It’s easier. It’s productive in moving you from an internal journey of self-pleasure and internal fulfillment which is fleeting to an external journey of accomplishment and external fulfillment which is more sustainable. One of these, with the right intentions, leaves the planet better than we found it. The other happens entirely in your head. With the wrong intentions, I think more headwork is required. Wouldn’t it have been nicer if Adolf Hitler played with himself in his head all day long? That would probably have left the world a better place. Bill Gates, Tony Fauci, Donald Trump, either of the Bushes… The world would be better off if most of the people who run it stayed home in the mirror searching for shadows. But the problem with the world today is simple: good people retreat to the comfort of their minds often afraid of leaving their mark on the world. As a result, the world suffers. We need good, considerate people acting. We need bad people scratching their mental itches. Moreover, we need to ignore bad actors into obscurity, and move on toward our own dreams.
The only way we get comfortable in our boundaries and protect the things we love most is knowing what we want and preserving our dreams and desires. Step one: clear the set. That requires getting out of our heads, onto the paper and then out in the world to make our mark.
We don’t have to have all the answers either.
I want to share a beautiful little tune with you that I turn to in order to remember this. It’s by an artist named Daniel Nahmod. When I get stuck in my head, thinking I have to figure everything out, I listen to this song. It really helps me realign with my purpose. It has the word “god” in it. If that puts you off, try “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin. I’m not sure it is as direct, but it might also do the trick. I’m advocating 3-6 minutes of music after doing a few journaling exercises today to acquire peace of mind. I love short cuts.
Also, if it helps, you can replace the word “god” in your mind with “nature” or “the universe.” I’m not advocating the riddance of a universal intelligence here from our general vocabulary. I am just offering an alternative to my friends who have suffered under ritualistic, religious abuse and persecution. They may take comfort in finding new implications for words that for them has painful associations.
Without further adieu, here’s that little song that might lead you toward forgiveness and right action in your life and out of all the head tripping, hamster wheeling, mental masturbation.
Daniel Nahmod, "I Don't Need To Know"
Once you have listened to it, get on with it.