Mother's Day Indoctrination

Family is what you make it.

Not all moms are superheroes. In fact, many are super zeros.

I didn't have the best mother, but almost immediately after high school, I found many surrogates to fill in for almost every aspect of mothering in which my mother lacked-which was practically everything. One stands out in particular who is my motherly friend to this day.

I can't imagine what it has been like for women or men, who didn't do this instinctively or who might have discounted the importance of their surrogates relative to their "real" parents.

In my case, my mom tried to constantly belittle or undermine my surrogates in their importance or just as human beings in general. She knew about them. It apparently bothered her she was replaced. I never wanted her to feel bad nor to rub it in, but it was what it was. These other super women were so much in my life, it was undeniable they held a place of importance for me. For whatever things my mother would say to discount my surrogates, I could have easily listed 100 to 1000 things that discounted her as a parent or advisor to me. I didn't say them to her in rebuttal, but I also didn't let her manipulation get in my head. I could see it for what it was: petty jealousy and childishness.

Blood, metaphorically speaking, isn't thicker than anything- unless you don't mind blood clots. If “blood” is the only or primary reason you elevate your parent, it’s not a fucking good one. If the only thing between you is something you have to look under a microscope to assess or some kind of slight aesthetic likeness, it's not enough. We culturally are obsessed with racism. Yet, the core of racism starts with a notion that you owe your family some kind of allegiance for merely being related to them and that people who are not your genetic family are seated at a table of lesser importance. Most people don’t want to talk about that. Pride in anything other than personal accomplishment is rubbish. Am I proud of my kids? No. I am in awe and wonder of them. I didn’t make a math whiz kid or a kid that knows every flag from every country and the dates each country became a formal nation. They did that. I just made a kid. Even that, I didn’t build consciously. Something involuntary did that, too. Whatever I have done for my children, is done knowing that if I fuck up, they don’t have to be my friend or even my family as they grow older. Knowing they can walk away at any time, makes me a better parent.

Many cultures push allegiance to family because, like Confucianism, it leads to nationalism-aka other arbitrarily blind allegiances. Many people believe allegiance to family the antithesis to allegiance to state. I say, allegiance to tribe, the one you make (people of like mind and in this current era, very rarely the people you are closely genetically linked to) are going to be the antithesis to the state. The countries with the most hardcore family values (aka stick to your family no matter what) are the homes to some of the most unapologetically tyrannical forms of government. The thing that has stayed off direct infringements for so long among Americans is their individualism, the fierce independence of our ancestors to leave behind families all over the world to strike out in search of a better life for future generations. If you are clinging to family as the salvation from tyranny, you are not unlike historic people who stayed close to home, refusing to escape when they could and sunk with the proverbial ship of their location and culture.

Currently, it is not so much a physical leaving that brings relief and hope. Although in some cases, walking across state lines to a location with people that share your values might bring a massive improvement to your life. Generally, it's the mental abandon, the ability to stand in one's integrity unwavering despite disparaging family agendas at play that leads to liberation.

What I really want to convey today, specifically, is that you do not require, as I did not require, a positive relationship with the woman who involuntarily gave birth to you in order to celebrate Mother’s Day-or likely Father’s Day. You can acknowledge all the people of like mind and integrity who stepped up to be the parent for you that you never had.

Surrogates aren’t a partial replacement, nor are they “just as good.” They were better. Don’t forget that. I often talk about how we undermine our happiness by trying to compare it to what happiness we imagine others experience. You can’t know what others have or don’t in their parents. Don’t let Hallmark convince you it’s mostly hunky dory. You are not alone. But, as a reminder, if your “real” parent was a 2% value parent, there are many people out there with a 50% value “real” parent that are clinging to the 50% and celebrating the holiday in their name. If you had a 100% value surrogate, don’t look longingly at someone struggling with 50% over there, sounding all happy. You’ve got more than they could ever imagine.

Call your surrogate mom today, if you didn’t yesterday. Have your moment. Any loss you feel is mainly a loss of conduit to which your love can flow. With a surrogate, there is a place for that love you feel to flow freely and to find its ultimate illumination.

Don’t deprive yourself of the joy of Mother’s Day due to cultural indoctrination that it has to be that bitch that birthed you. It don’t.