As we near the Day of the Dead, All Hollows’ Eve, All Saints’ Day and Samhain, it’s hard not to wonder if there is not something to these mystical notions. Cultures around the world, ancient and primitive to modern and new aged share a commonality regarding the veil between the living and the dead thinning at this time of year. I’ve been personally sensing something more this year than years prior. My dreams are more vivid. I am sleeping more than usual. I feel two friends in particular, Stormé and Kathleen may be trying to reach out from the other side. However, I have never been open to this overt contact from the beyond. I don’t really want to “see dead people.” I’m not certain what to do with this nagging feeling to get in touch, the psychic email if you will. It has left me feeling unsettled to some extent. It was recently suggested that I invite them to communicate with me in signs rather than in some sort of full embodiment. I’m more comfortable with that.
At the same time, I had a phone call with a very “normie” living relative who is not even the slightest bit spiritual. She goes to church, and I’m sure she prays. However, the woo-woo parts of Christian mysticism are way outside of her wheel house. She would not even be slightly offended at this representation of her. It astounded me that she was speaking casually about a prospective death of a relative who may not be showing any signs or symptoms of being near the verge. In the context of our conversation, it came across as all very normal and pragmatic. However, broaching the subject at this point in time, having “the conversation” about where I have landed with regard to my position with our mutual family members while Mercury among other planets is going direct, the exact peak of the full Hunter moon and on the verge of this highly spiritual time of year seemed rather synchronistic. Ok, you want to have this discussion we’ve been avoiding for several years right fucking now? I thought to myself. Hmmm… interesting.
“One day, your dad will die...” That was the gist of it.
I feel that I may be perceived as a sociopath when confronted with these kinds of comments, and a response from me is expected. A response is expected, but my response, well, that’s another story.
My father is a very sentimental guy. I love that about him. It’s very sweet and adorable. I am extremely sensitive, and he is- parts of him, anyway, are very dear to me. I feel in so many ways we are very much alike. We look just the same, almost identical. Out of all of my siblings (there’s 5 of us), I believe he and I have the most striking physical resemblance. He and I have always had this uncomfortable dance. We have come in and out of each other’s lives many times. In truth, we have spent more of our lives out than in. When I was younger, it was his work, but later there were other struggles. With few exceptions, I have always thought of him fondly. In part, there was this fantasy he played into for me. He’d say the very thing I wanted to hear, but unfortunately, behave in contradiction to his words. Heavy stuff. However, deep down, I think he wanted to live up to the fantasy. He didn’t set out to be false. Also, he is really sensitive- like me. We have had some diamond moments together that I cherish beyond which I have the capacity of words to express. He has this otherworldly ability to create connections which are really fucking special. What great fortune for me, not to have merely had these moments with him, but to be in any way related much more directly descendant from that kind of person with that kind of charisma. It’s a great privilege.
AND I don’t feel the need or desire to talk to him ever again.
So, ya know… I may seem quite queer, and I might sound like a sociopath to someone who also intimately understands the great privilege I have had bestowed upon me as his descendant. Others haven’t dealt with all the melancholy realities that have fucked up that super human fantasy which he has never been able to sustain in my presence. He has failed me with tragically disappointing tumbles from grace. I dedicated a whole chapter in my book to the tragedy of these failures. It became painfully clear over about a two year period that he was extremely insecure of his failures with me. He couldn’t manage to hold a 5 minute conversation without trying to bring me down to the level he perceived himself to be in my eyes. It was worse because I never saw him as lowly. I kept thinking, how do we get back to those diamond moments I know we are capable of? He wanted to be great in my eyes again, and oddly enough, I think that’s why he kept belittling me. It was his weird way of either accepting the defeat of knowing I saw him as human regardless of his magical abilities or maybe, he thought I would look up to him if he talked down to me. Either way, it got really, uncomfortably weird, too weird. Some of the things he said were not even like him at all. It was like he stopped trying to even want to be a better person around me. I perceived a lot of bitter resignation and resentment in his voice. It wasn’t just a perception. He was sarcastic, bitingly sarcastic and cynical. He was becoming something else, not good, and somehow I felt like the catalyst of this evolution.
The bottom line is that I was not that catalyst. None of that really had anything to do with me. Not directly. I just became this kind of sand in his oyster shell, but nothing ever got pearly. Being away from him gives me a healthier and more loving, forgiving and generous, if not graceful perspective on him and what we have had in total. Being around him anymore made me like him less, and left me feeling unhappy in general.
One day, he’ll die. That’s just reality. As strange as it sounds, I’d rather that this happens with me having a positive feeling about us, a positive reflection on our relationship as a whole from afar than it happening after one of our acutely painful exchanges where I think he’s a dick. The other thing is that I felt betrayed over and over by myself for letting it keep happening. I don’t feel that way now.
I hung up the phone with my relative last night and got in my car to drive to my full moon gathering with my Luna Ladies. I thought as the veil becomes more thin, things could change any day now with my dad, am I really ok with all this? Just at that moment, “Maggie May” came on Cool FM. It was always my dad’s favorite song. I have no idea why. It’s not a special song to me at all, but I knew it was a sign. It’s an old song that doesn’t get much airplay, and it made me happy to think of how much he and my mom loved that song. I felt grateful for what relationships I had with both my parents in the past. I was looking at the full moon, listening to Rod Stewart and feeling grateful for everything. I was thankful for the people I have in my life and the people I don’t have in my life. I felt at peace.
It’s all good. It’s all good.
I am ready to accept the signs.