Deservingness

One of the biggest obstacles to healthy boundaries.

There’s what you have, what you need and then, there’s what you deserve.

Let’s look at the etymology of “deserve.” Deserve is from two words. The words are de- and serwo-.

I’m going to paraphrase this simply from etymonline.com.

“From Latin de- used as a prefix, usually meaning ‘down, off, away, from among, down from,’ but also ‘down to the bottom, totally’ hence ‘completely’ (intensive or completive).”

Ok, that seems pretty simple. Now, we get into the tricky origins of the word “serve.” It looks as though there’s a lot of debate about the possible Proto-Italic origins of the word Serwo- which initially seems to have meant “shepherd, guardian” but then was ascribed a pejorative of “slave” in Italy between 700 and 450 BC. Another similar word, servare also transition from “heedance, observation” to “to be a slave.”

It’s fascinating to me to imagine that these words meaning changed possibly as society changed and developed. If you aren’t watching your shit, someone else is. Are those who watch your shit your slave or are you theirs? Fascinating implications here with our modern conundrums with outsourcing duties to others. Do we become their slaves if they take advantage of our lack of effort or knowledge? The modern medical industry seems to think so. As soon as we started outsourcing every aspect of our health to outside experts in lab coats, they’ve been angling for a way to take over our lives. People in modern society are also confused about what their work is worth. Whether they are a slave to their jobs or their landlords or even to money itself which is deemed a highly subjective and quickly deflating value, people feel enslaved. Do they deserve to feel this way?

The most important thing to note is that whatever way one looks at it, being deserving seems to indicate what reward or punishment, obligation or opportunity is given to you from elsewhere. In some ways, you could say, what other people or entities give you is absolutely none of your fucking business. Still, many want to get into the psychology and figure out why or how someone else came to this merit or demerit response to them.

We always look too hard to apply meaning or patterns to any event that relates to us. Other animals don’t do this. A mouse appears just as a cat starts to feel hungry. The cat enjoys eating it. The cheese morsel is there right when the mouse becomes hungry. The mouse takes it and enjoys eating it. If either of them are hungry and nothing is there, in nature, they go look for food. They may try to use whatever skills of observation or mechanics involved to capture their prey and to become more evolved predators. But out in the wild, they aren’t saying, to themselves, “man, I’m worthless at this whole finding cheese thing. I’m just a shitty excuse for a mouse. I’ll just curl up and watch Netflix until I die.” They don’t idly ramble on about what it means about who they are and their subjective value based on whether there happens to be food or not directly in front of them. This seems to be an exclusively human phenomenon.

We also do another fucked up thing with regard to deservingness that no other animals seem to do. We try to appoint value to others based on what we believe others deserve. We make up whole stories about why others should or should not have things or experiences, based on how they are behaving or have behaved in the past. Again, other people getting rewards or punishments from other places, are totally not your fucking business. You can not let that clog up your mind.

One of my spiritual teachers, Reverend David Phears formerly of Sangha Center for Spiritual Living of Huntington Beach used to use the quick acronym, “NOMBA” to remedy such mental masturbation. NOMBA stands for “None Of My Business Anyway.” I found telling myself “NOMBA!” was a great way to snap myself out of useless trains of thought that lead me to wondering about the deservingness of my fortune or misfortune as it were, or that of anyone else. As far as karma or reaping what you sow is concerned, focusing on the what you sow is the only part that’s really your business. The shepherding or observing governance of what you have is your business. What you get as a result, not so much. Remember the first part, de- of deserved, is what is handed down to you. Doing the most with your gifts and talents is your business. Honing your skills is your business. Thinking about why magic cheese might fall from the sky based on how you or worse, someone else behaved in 1992 is… Well, you can see that it’s crazy and stupid. What a waste of a creative and constructive mind.

The only value worth considering are your values. What are your core values? How do they fit in to your vision and execution toward your goals? Life has the meaning you give it. If you live by your core values, allowing them to guide you in constructing your vision, your life becomes infused with values.

One of the biggest pitfalls I faced and still do in creating healthy boundaries is getting caught up in this trap of imagining what I deserve. It’s lead me to say “yes” to things I should have said, “no” to and “no” to things I should have said, “yes” to. Once I decide what I want, I have a vision of having it and I see how my values were in place while building it, I am no longer guessing about deservingness. I no longer have to figure out what to do to finally get the ultimate forgiveness from the universe for things that I was made to feel wrong for in childhood that really weren’t so bad.

Boundaries are a big part of governance. This is why rulers try to put boundaries around people and land they don’t personally possess. Most people accept their personal property being adopted as some other person or entity’s kingdom because they’ll generally go along to get along. As long as you leave me alone, I don’t care if you call my home your kingdom or my body your subject. However, once my labor becomes subject to your “legal” plunder based on the laws you made up, and I have to pay you for the privilege of owning my own home in your kingdom, that I did all the work for and upkeep on… Well, now, I think we might need to renegotiate these boundaries, and it might be as simple for me as me ignoring your fairy tale about how I live in your kingdom. I might have to get around all the other delusional people playing into your delusion, but as long as they don’t step foot on my piece of land that I bought, we’re cool. I have to decide how much finagling to get around delusional people is worth to me.

Nonetheless, I know I own myself. You don’t deserve any piece of me or my property. I don’t deserve any imposition you try to thrust on me. I know I am getting what I am working for or toward. I have my process goals in place. I am on a constant track of achievement. So, my boundaries are a matter of self-governance and deciding how much fighting other people’s delusions of governance over me and my possessions is worth to me. It pretty much comes down to the notion, for me at least, that other people’s delusions are not worth my sanity, my vision or my life. Sometimes, I think maybe possession really is 9/10ths of the law.

Nevertheless, the most important thing to remember about our self-governance is deciding how much of our time and energy is worth to us and how to stay focused on our values and our vision. Deservingness is a mind fuck. It keeps us in places we don’t want to be. It keeps us from our visions. It’s a waste of talents and energy even to program yourself to believe you “deserve” your vision. You achieving your vision, is mostly about you, what values you cherish, what vision you hold and what steps you take to get there. It has nothing to do with whether you deserved it. It wasn’t served to you. You were neither your vision’s nor your goal’s bitch. You implemented each step of what you got. Sometimes it was easier to get the outcome goal, sometimes harder, but you kept going, you kept knowing you would have it one day or the next. Ultimately, you got there.

My kids and I recently got sick again. Gosh, we have been sick a lot lately. We made a goal to be over it this time in 24 hours. Aggressive outcome goal, right? But we scheduled all kinds of healing protocols all day from oils and DMSO on our feet every two hours, diffusers blowing oils at our lungs all day, herbal teas and mushrooms every two hours, clocks set, rest, nasal rinses, ear rinses, nebulizers, supplements consumed on the off hours, lots of water, healthy food as we could eat and healing sound frequencies playing. The boys got over it in 24 hours. I am almost over it after sleeping all day yesterday in about 72 hours. This is a phenomenal outcome considering how sick I was the past two days!

Did I wonder for a few minutes if I deserved to be sick? I did wonder. I have been doing everything well, health wise, mentally, emotionally and no, I don’t deserve to be sick. It was something that happened. It’s something I can also work through quickly, having the right tools for healing all around us. But I also didn’t look at my health at 48 and compare it to my 9 year old and say, “he must have deserved to get well sooner.” Children possess certain enzyme functions that serve to heal them miraculously fast that 48 year old women do not comparatively possess. My kids never deserved to be sick. However, there are things we can do to increase our likelihood of getting sick or not. Cause and effect is real. My 7 year old, for example, is still putting weird stuff in his mouth, like the handle of the grocery cart… fucking kids. What can you do?

I share this story because there was a time when I pondered way too hard on all my past grievances. It held me back and slowed me down. It caused me to say “no” when people wanted to treat me to something or gift me with something. It made me go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with the weight of debt for being alive. No one deserves to feel this way.

There’s an antidote to deservingness and trying to tie all the events in your life, good or bad to something in your past to make you worthy of it. That gift is gratitude. When you learn to give thanks as naturally as you would prescribe deservingness, your life takes on a lighter quality. Instead of feeling the weight of debt from the burdens of your past, you begin to feel grateful even for your past mistakes and all you learned from them. Gratitude keeps you going. It keeps you moving forward. It keeps you focused on what is to come with hope and assurance that even future mistakes will ultimately serve you in achieving your vision.

Apply gratitude as a mechanism of healthy boundaries. Let it be a skill you hone to keep you on track on days you start to question your value. Let gratitude dissolve all the worries around what you may or may not deserve.