Boundaries for Children

Radical Unschoolers are LIARS

Radical unschooling has been selling us a lie. The lie is that children will set their own natural rhythms and routines. They believe that children don’t require boundaries and will set their own bedtimes, diets and magically do what’s good for themselves- with or without good role models- with enough time and experience to pursue whatever they love. It’s just not so.

They make it seem as though kids can set their own boundaries without any input from parents whatsoever.

I’m here to tell you that is complete and utter bullshit.

Radical unschoolers support the notion that parents are not supposed to have any boundaries for themselves. Children can be as disruptive of anyone else’s peace. Children can have whatever they want, whenever they want, and the adults should just acquiesce. You wanted to eat that? Now, your snack belongs to your children. You wanted to watch that? Now, the remote belongs to your kids. You want to work from home? Your time is now your children’s, any time, no exceptions, regardless of their age or stage of development. It’s kind of like passive parenting on crack- ironically.

I looked up their website once and what they had to say on children with food allergies. Of course, they suggest that you grocery shop so you don’t bring the allergen into the house. However, you let the child decide to go to the birthday party where the food will be, and you let the child choose what to eat at the party with informed consent, even if it could kill them. That is reckless endangerment.

Next is the lie that kids have their own natural rhythms they establish for when to sleep. Ok, if we lived before the invention of the lightbulb, I’d say you were right. But now, there are too many factors that affect cortisol, sleep, health and hormones with screen time. There are now too many toxic ingredients in food and personal care products that will throw all of those natural rhythms completely out of whack. Before you poo-poo this as immaterial, a messed-up sleep pattern can be as unhealthy as smoking 2 packs of cigarettes daily.

But the biggest lie from them, the basis for all lies, is that children self-regulate if given all the freedom and time to do so. They believe children can learn from their mistakes and self-correct. Well, at least the ones that survive, I guess. What they forget to mention in this conversation is you don’t provide a buffet of crack cocaine and tell them, “Cool, you’re 3 years old. This could kill you, but you can make a decision to try it.” You don’t say, “Guns, cool, give it a whirl. I’ll show you how to use it, and then you choose what to do with it after that. If you make a mistake, you’ll learn.” No, you recognize appropriate stages for certain experiences. You don’t buy children a pack of cigarettes and teach them how to smoke. You don’t give them unfettered access to alcohol. But these proponents of radical unschooling DO often give their children unfettered access to sugar, TV, video games, computers, etc. which are highly addictive and absolutely unhealthy. They tell themselves that their kids will teach themselves to self-regulate these things. You will get kicked out of their FB groups if you challenge them on this concept of zero parental controls or restrictions or explain how they are disingenuous pretending kids are more likely to regulate TV or something they permit than cocaine, something they don’t have around their home.

I am here today as proof children do not learn or teach themselves to self-regulate with screen time. It is as addictive as cocaine.

I started with the understanding computers, TV’s etc were not healthy. Little by little, I caved at this request or that for various coding related games and Lego sets. I let them have the computers to operate the Legos. I thought Roblox could be educational in some ways. They were having fun interacting with their out of state relatives. I figured they could learn a lot watching how-to programs on YouTube. I figured with my example, the role modeling of using these devices as tools for my education, they’d pick up how, when and why to use them. They didn’t. My children became addicts. They don’t do the coding. They gave up Legos. They’ll watch other people play video games on YouTube for hours on end with their mouths hanging open. I let this happen. I let this happen. I tried to give them alternatives. I introduced options to go to fun outings. I tried all the things that were giving them choices to have more educational and creative experiences that could stimulate their bodies. Like rats with a button for cocaine, my kids would not even eat- no matter how hungry they were every day if I hadn’t insisted- even threatened. When given the options, they always declined. I had to routinely insist. Before computers, this was not an issue. They entertained themselves. They loved having adventures.

Now, I’m trying to undo the damage. I have placed limits. Phones, computers, TV and other screens two days per week (Wednesday and Friday) for 2 hours each day. I have two full-blown addicts in my home who don’t know how to function without the color tube on all day. They are big fucking mad. They are crying, bargaining and threatening. We are watching full-blown meltdowns throughout each day. It’s horrible, but they have to go through this. It’s my fault. I can’t make detox easier for them. There’s no way to ween off that kind of addiction. It’s my fault this happened. It’s not because I won’t give them what they want. It’s my fault because I gave them what they wanted, and they weren’t old enough to self-regulate.

Another comparison is that of giving young teenagers sexual freedom. This is why we have statutory rape laws. Kids of a certain age can’t self-regulate nor are they mature enough to handle the repercussions in most cases of adult sexual relationships and the aftermath when they go sideways. A teacher giving in to the reckless desires of a horny 14 year old is in all ways a rapist, because the adult is the one who is supposed to model moderation and impose limits and self-regulation. Indulging a child or a person who can’t moderate or self-regulate is abuse.

Small children can’t just have candy whenever they want. Toddlers can’t play on a busy street. We don’t just give in and hope they survive.

Self proclaimed proponents of radical unschooling pretend they don’t apply limits, boundaries or restrictions. But they do, when they don’t offer or provide sex, drugs, candy, cigarettes or booze. So they pick and choose what they value just like the rest of us. They are disingenuous at best.

So, I fell somewhat for the myth with computers, thinking I had a better handle on it. I don’t blame them. I blame me. I knew better. I thought by letting them do this someone would learn a lesson. The only lesson I am watching being learned in my entire household, husband included, is the one I am teaching myself. I am learning that I fucking knew better all along. I am the only one of us who truly sees it and feels deeply and painfully responsible for this horrible mistake. I believe in unschooling with healthy limits and boundaries for various stages of development. I believe in boundaries out of respect for ourselves, our bodies and for the respect of the health and autonomy of others. I look forward to telling you guys how this all goes once we get a handle on the detox part of this addiction. Right now, it is painful for all of us.

But, for now, it’s a process for all of us to learn and get through.

I am sharing this message in hopes you learn from my mistakes and approach radical unschooling with caution. I don’t want anyone else’s kids to turn into the rats who will press the lever to drug themselves until they die- with computer screens or TV. I hope you look for other, more intellectually honest options for meeting the guidance needs of your children while practicing unschooling. Passive and permissive parenting are not good or viable options or alternatives to authoritarian parenting. Maybe, try for some assertive options. Take the appropriate amount of responsibility for your child’s needs.