I was thinking back to a time when I worked for myself. I had very few commitments. I made my own schedule which was very flexible so I could go out to sing at night and sleep in the next day. I was never really a morning person. At the time, I had a small apartment. I had accomplished what none of my massage therapist friends had which was to be completely independent, work from home, hire a laundry service and set my own schedule. I hustled a lot, meeting people and networking. I did it all pretty unconsciously. When I was out singing, if anyone mentioned a stiff neck, a small fender bender, whatever, I handed out my card. I never went to movies. I didn’t even realize that I had unconsciously decided I couldn’t talk to people about my business in a movie theater so it didn’t fit into my life. I loved movies, too. I just had made this unconscious decision.
I will get to the point of this blog. It was at this point in my life that my sister happened to crash her Toyota 4Runner texting on the way to work or something. Since I didn’t have a “real job” she informed me that she needed me to give her rides for a few days while she was waiting for her car to get fixed.
This was something for which she and my mom often counted on me. They would make their plans to get their cars into a shop or whatever without talking to me, and then, they’d call me to tell me when they needed me, like I was an Uber. There was never really an ask in it. It was more like, “hey, I’m taking my car to the shop on Thursday, so I need you to pick me up at 7am from such and such automotive and take me back home.” Again, I am not a morning person, so I wanted to say, “Oh my God! I’m going to have to wake up at 6am to do that! It sounds fucking awful!” but I didn’t. I knew I would hear how lazy or pathetic I was that I didn’t have a real job and how I could be so selfish with my own family, so I just never said anything.
This one night, while my sister’s car was being fixed, she asked me to take her to someone’s house. I can’t remember why, but she told me she would be right back. I waited and waited and waited and waited. After a while, I was thinking to myself, what am I doing here? I went to the door, and asked for her. She came down and apologized to her friends for my interruption. When she got to my car, she was so pissed at me for interrupting her social call to her friend’s house. I was flabbergasted. It hadn’t occurred to her that I was doing the favor for her. In her mind, she must have thought I was honored to have her ask me or something. I spoke up. I said, “I’m doing you a favor here, and I can’t believe you are treating me like your time is more important than mine.”
She responded, “my time is more important to me.” It shocked me. Then she said quite flippantly, “everybody’s time is more important to them.” On one hand, I was thinking, well, obviously you feel that way… On the other hand, I felt slapped in the face.
I was supposed to be driving her to pick up her car the next morning, and I canceled right then and there. I just flat out refused. I said, “I am doing you this favor because I put your needs ahead of my own. Not everyone feels their time is more important to them. I don’t like waking up early. I never have. I work very hard for myself, so that I don’t have to get up early and so that I can make my own hours. My sleep is valuable to me. You’re going to have to figure out another ride tomorrow. Furthermore, don’t ever ask me for another ride again.”
Well, needless to say, she was pissed. She went straight to my mom, and told her that I canceled on her at the last minute so I could sleep in. Of course, my mom called me and gave me the lecture about how we are supposed to be there for each other. She followed it with how lazy I was and ungrateful for all the times they helped me. She also threw in the fact that she’d helped me with a car payment a few times so I had no right to turn down helping my sister. I tried to explain the circumstances, but since I was the family scapegoat, it went unheard. My mom further explained that she was canceling work the next day so she could take my sister in the morning. This was no doubt to put a guilt trip on me. It was if neither of them had ever heard of a cab or a bus, nor had it occurred to them that my time had any value. I felt unsympathetic but still, beat up.
Of course, this all happened decades before I realized none of them valued me for more than whatever use I could be to them in the moment and whatever favors they did for me were always calculated towards their usury. It was a long time before I recognized my relationships with them were lose-win.
I bring this story up today because I have been building this course on boundaries. I came to a point where had to ask myself, why? What drove me to want to help people build better boundaries? The answer for me is in this story. It shocked me when my sister said, “everybody’s time is more valuable to them.” However, she wasn’t entirely wrong. She showed me that I was the first person that needed to prioritize my time. It was me valuing the needs and time of others, not even others who cared about me, over myself that got me into the messes I was in. I suffered with this mindset for the first FORTY YEARS OF MY LIFE! Now that I am free of that kind of cycle of self-abuse, people who meet me might think I made a casual decision overnight about discarding my family, but it was neither casual nor overnight. It weighed heavily upon me until I started to learn strategic evaluations of myself and the people I was involved with. I also had to start asking myself the right questions about my values as well as my beliefs that lead me to being a gofer and a chauffer for people with disdain for me and my lifestyle.
I have done all of this with painful consciousness and humiliating mistakes that no one else should have to make in order to overcome the simple task of saying “no.” So, this is why I want to help people get over it, get on with it and start attracting better people, experiences and even opulence into their lives. All of this good stuff comes from the natural self-love that flows through you as you build better boundaries.
Please send me an email with the title “boundaries” if this easy experience of self-love and a life filled with harmonious and enriching relationships that I know is possible for you is calling you to work with me. I will send you a special invitation to my FREE Facebook support group for the Build Better Boundaries program where you will be updated with news about the course as it is nearing launch and a special introductory offer for group members as a reward for making this first step today toward transforming your relationships. My email is TheSovereignMom@gmail.com, and I look forward to hearing from you!