I am having a lot of feelings lately. Of course, I have a big surgery coming up. When I try to imagine it, I feel like that person on that TikTok video standing on the top of the Park City Olympic stadium high dive looking down. I think to myself, no.fucking.way. How did I get myself into this? What am I doing? What was I thinking? I could go on with giant boobs for another 30 years, maybe. Then, I come to my senses and think about how the window of standing up straight before back pain sets in has gone down to about 25 minutes.
OK, I need this, like a person needs knee surgery or hip replacement. If I don’t do this, I will lose years off my life. I can feel it. This is not cosmetic no matter what the assholes who determine what is or ain’t “essential” may say. My emotions have been ricocheting between butterflies, scared shitless and being the compassionate voice of reason to myself. It’s all over the map. But there’s more.
I hadn’t had a period in over 7 months. Suddenly, I get one, and my hormones are raging. I’ve been attacking my husband sexually. I have gone from feeling randomly sad, really sad to just fine. It’s a real roller coaster over here.
To add to it, I found myself thinking about other people getting cosmetic surgeries for aesthetic purposes. I was thinking about these people randomly, for seemingly no reason. When I was thinking about it, I was feeling really jealous, intensely angry and pissed off. I thought to myself. What is wrong with you? Why does this matter? Why do you care? Why are you so angry?
The answers came. I am upset that they feel like they deserve a cosmetic surgery, while I struggle to feel deserving of a surgery to help me stand up straight. Yes, there are cosmetic aspects to my surgery. When I think about those, I feel frivolous, spoiled, wasteful and undeserving. I feel like people who don’t live in my body, who do not feel my pain, who, like me, are against the medical establishment and want to do as much as possible to avoid that system are judging me. Really, it’s because deep down, I am judging myself. Right back to square one. It’s not just fear that makes me want to talk myself out of surgery. It’s not just my distrust in the system. A judging critic, deep inside is telling me: you don’t really NEED this. You just weren’t willing to work out enough or do enough back and abdominal strengthening every day. You just want the easy way out, so you can look pretty and find cheaper bras. This is just laziness and vanity driving you to succumb to plastic surgery. Lazy, narcissists don’t deserve surgery. They don’t deserve anything.
Ouch! What a mean-spirited voice.
Ok, deep breaths. Now, I think I understand why it has taken me over 5 YEARS to commit to this surgery. A part of me really hates myself. This is literally why we can’t have nice things. Yes, that’s kind of funny, but it’s true. That part of me wants to punish me for doing anything nice for myself because in that critic’s eyes, I do not deserve anything except punishment.
OK, meany. You are going to have to back up a minute here. What did I do to deserve hatred and punishment? What are your reasons? I ask my inner critic.
Oh, it’s not what you did. It’s what you didn’t do, she answers. You are lazy and irresponsible, and you never do enough. In fact, you could never do enough to make up for who you are.
WOW!
Sheesh, mean voice, you sound a lot like my mom. I don’t think she ever said that to me directly, but those were certainly the sentiments underneath her words and actions. Those and that nobody deserves anything, we should all have to struggle and no one should enjoy any aspect in life that doesn’t involve frugality, labor or humility.
What a bag to unpack. No wonder I have been feeling sorry for myself. Who can live up to those standards? Or rather, who would want to live down to them? That is such a lowly, lowly ideal. It’s martyrdom for the sake of martyrdom. It seems this can’t be what God wants for me or for anyone, to live a life of martyrdom after Jesus was supposed to have sacrificed so much to end all that disempowered, guilty existence nonsense. So now I’m just throwing all that suffering of Jesus away as if it meant nothing, so I can suffer, tragically all by myself-because I am a big girl, and that’s what big girls are supposed to do. We put on our big girl panties and do it ourselves, the hard way.
What’s at the bottom of all this? Is it loneliness, doing it alone? Or… is it ego? The ego likes and wants to suffer. The ego doesn’t want to accept salvation, take the easy way, accept the hand out or taste the strawberry. My ego feels validated through suffering and not just humility- but humiliation.
No wonder I dated so many assholes for 20 years. Good grief!
Another deep breath. This was a big bag to unpack. I need to take a literal chill pill. Where’s the blue calming oils? I started tapping as I rubbed the calming blend over my heart, on my collar bone points and on the under arm points, and I said some affirmations that came to me as I inhaled the oils.
“I accept all of my feelings as a part of myself.”
“I love and accept myself just as I am.”
“Even though it feels like I have to suffer, struggle, scrimp, save, live frugally, be humble and even be humiliated, I know that this is a reflex born from protection, and I love the part of myself that is trying to protect me.”
“I forgive and love myself and anyone else who contributed to this limiting spell of protection placed over me and my life.”
“I know this spell was cast long ago, and it runs deep into everything I say and do, but today, I am breaking this spell.”
“Today, I am speaking a new mantra. Today, I am casting a new spell. Today, I am living a new affirmation.”
“Today, I live knowing the Holy Spirit is all the protection that I need.”
“Today, I shine in the glory and the abundance, the ease and the grace of Divine mercy.”
“I bathe in this mercy.”
“I bask in this glory.”
“I shine in the presence of the Divine.”
“Today, I reflect the light of the inner healer.”
“I allow this to flow deep and back to the beginning of time, before my limiting protective spell was cast, to when there was wholeness.”
“I renew myself in this wholeness, the Allness of that I Am.”
“I feel the Power and the Presence of Christ within me.”
“I evoke this Power in the name of Jesus Christ.”
“From this day forward, I live in His victory over suffering, over struggle, over humiliation.”
“From this day forward, I carry this inheritance with pride and poise.”
“My head is held high.”
“I feel completely worthy.”
“I feel valued and valuable.”
“I am worthy.”
“I am valuable.”
“I am perfect, whole and complete.”
“I think it.”
“I know it.”
“I feel it.”
“And so it is.”
“I Am.”
“I Am THAT I Am.”
“I Am THAT I Am.”
“Amen.”
Better? Yes!
Join me Sunday, October 31st at 2pm on FB Live as I start Sovereign Sundays. It’s a soulful show about self-ownership, spirituality and sustenance. For my first episode, I’ll be interviewing the host of The Bad Roman Podcast, Craig Harguess with all his southern charm. We’ll be discussing Christianity and anarchy. These are a couple of my favorite topics. Tune in live! Be sure to like it and comment, so we can hear from you and include you in this very spiritual discussion.
Blessed be!